i was thinking...

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i was thinking…

I went to church for the first time in months….

Decided to jog earlier again you see… as I was stomping around the streets with my

contemplative mood, I saw the chapel in St. Scho…

I went to church for the first time in months… and I cried as I sat down to pray.

my head bowed low as I felt my tears flow…

I asked God if it was right to let go… then I realized that each night as I go up to

the rooftop to look at the stars… I asked The Lord to help everyone around me find

happiness… maybe with what was decided they will be happy…She … She will be

happy…

She must …

I went to church for the first time in months.. with my head bowed low and my spirit

down… I asked for forgiveness… for I tend to only go when I’m confussed… But then

I remembered that I of low morale value at some point tend to pray.. unknowingly to

him.. as a request for the happiness of everyone around me…

I asked God in the shadows of dawn to show me the light… he litterally gave me the

sun… another day… another hour… another minute, a second…. another day of

breathe… another day of survival…

I went to church for the first time in months… with my despondent emotions… I was

lost… I still am… but at some point I found clarity…

and yet…

and yet at some point… as I was screaming my heart out… the bells rang… the bells

that rang told of the mass that was about to start…. I ran… I walked briskly away

from the chapel.. the church…

I was not worthy of the celebration that is to behold to everyone else… My mind,

heart and soul has forsaken God long ago… not out of hatred…. but out of pity…

for everyone around me.. for myself… I was not worthy… and I feel that I will never

be…

I was in love… I still am… and I am not worthy of their love… I am not worthy of

God’s love.. nor am I of hers…

I went to church for the first time in months… and I ran away from what was shown…

I refused to see… I refuse to open up… I refuse to cry… I refuse to wallow in

sorrow and in tears…

and yet.. as I was sitting in the pew.. I cried and cried… willing for my heart to

renew….